October 15, 2005: The Day I Met the Menehune and Other Tales From the Lava Fields
Menehune, the small tricky lava leprchauns said to inhabit the islands of Hawaii, haunted me this day. I saw them and took photos. This is my account of the events at the 2005 Ironman World Championships in Hawaii. Every word is true. And wait till you see the pictures....
The Kona Ironman Experience
It is the World Championship Ironman race after all and even the posers are treated like royalty. You, the athlete (in my case a rather undeserving lottery spot recipient), are a VIP. Well not quite as much of a VIP as say a past winner or CEO of a sponsoring company. (There was an auto company involved in this race. Gee, for the life of me I can’t remember what it was…) Nevertheless, the red wristband you get when you register entitles you to knowing glances from other participants. Like at the Gatorade tent they set up on Alii Drive the week before the race. Best to not get into conversations with other athletes there because you will eventually have to admit you got in via the lottery if that's how you got in.
At the condo we were staying I got a “Good luck” from Karen Smyers, who is awesome. Barb Lindquist at the Endless Pool exhibit is also awesome and provided me with good wishes.
But the menehune do not respect good lucks from awesome pro triathletes.
How about the parade of nations?
<>Here are Dick and Ricky Hoyt, with me
<>.Hundreds of cool kids and grownups line the streets<>.
So motivated was I to wear stars and stripes, I was the only one fool enough to wear a jacket.<>
Maybe if you’re lucky you have a parade support crew who is as fine as mine<>.
Notice the VIP badge. An inside connection got her that. I told her to act like the winner of the 1984 race or something.
Faris al-Sultan
So on Friday, the day before the race, I’m hanging out at the Cannondale expo booth since that’s my ride <> Check out the sweet bike number you get. Also not a bad view from our condo.
Anyway I’m there because I dig Cdales and I’m a Pennsylvania boy and all. This mechanic is behind the booth adjusting #3’s rig and this all-arms-and-legs dude is sitting against the wall of this building. Like Faris, shouldn’t you be visualizing or something? Dude it’s hot out and the race is tomorrow. Guy’s chillin so I ask him for a picture.
<> That’s me between my buddy Gustavo and THE GUY WHO WOULD WIN THE RACE THE NEXT DAY. <> Brush with greatness to be sure. Bummer is I didn’t have my Faris headband to wear in the picture. After winning, Faris turned down post-race room service and instead walked to Taco Bell for his recovery meal. Plus his biceps are tiny. Like mine. Hooray for the bicep-disadvantaged! Faris is awesome.Here's Faris charging down the Queen K in the lead. Unfortunately his motorcyle leadout is the one most easily seen here, but that's our eventual winner big-ringing it behind. It's not easy to take photos of the Rocket when you yourself are in motion.
The menehune do not screw with studly Iraqi-German triathletes.
Janus Charity Challenge
For those of you who don’t know, the Janus Company offers each Ironman North America racer the opportunity to raise funds for the nonprofit of his choice, and provides bonus money for top fundraisers. Plus the top five get to go on the stage during the awards ceremony. All through the process I thought I had a good chance at one of the top five. (Thanks all contributors! Springfield Public Schools rock!) When it came time to turn in the totals, I was on the bubble so to speak. As it turns out I came in a disappointing sixth or seventh. Wo
uld have liked to represent the foundation on that stage in front of thousands. But instead I won a pair of Powercranks, a rather undelightful training tool of which I already own a pair. I think they are very effective by the way. Don't get me wrong. Just hard. Thanks Frank Day if you're out there. Should have used mine more. Maybe this day would have gone better. Also that’s the nice racing jersey they give you <>Menehune have no mercy on fundraising slowguys as you will see if you care to read on.
Race Day
OK so first you have to get all your stuff packed. Let it never be said that someone who can remember everything for an Ironman is disorganized. Do you see the bottle of salt pills by the green bag on the right side of the bed? Remember that they are there. I packed them and here is the proof. This is important later on.
Then you can work on your bike in the dark.
The morning comes at you in a blur. First, the beach looks like a surfboard forest as the swim safety volunteers mount up and head out.
<>Pageantry. There's an awesome helicopter overhead and the Hawaiian guys are blowing on shells<>
Have to have your crew take a few photos.
And it definitely helps if you have a chief handler like my buddy Rob. Hearing your handler admonish others "Don't crowd the champ" and "The champ doesn't like loud talking before the race" is, well, good for the morale. Before you know it you're called out into the bay by the pier and the big boom sounds.The pictures of the mass swim start are spectacular.
The reality in the water is orders of magnitude more chaotic. You always think you are the one going straight while arms and feet of the directionally-challenged get in your way. In one notable incident this chick with blond hair wearing an Ironman Canada swimsuit connected with a kick full on with my goggles.This is a photo of my eye two days later
. My ophthalmologically-informed diagnosis was "eye beaten unmercifully in salt water melee". Actually I was very surprised at how many people were swimming at my pokey pace the whole 2.4 miles.Well eventually almost everyone makes it out of the water successfully. For the unfortunate ones, the menehune are waiting.
The Bike RideOK the plan was to get dressed for the bike and pedal away. Eat 15 fig newtons, 2 peanut butter sandwiches, and 8 salt pills on the bike while drinking about 2 gallons of gatorade spread throughout the 112 miles. I experimented with this formula during two training rides on a computer-simulated device that allowed me to ride the contours of the course. Except. The computer does not simulate the effects of the menehune. For I tell you they stole my salt pills. That's right. My carefully packed salt tabs were not in the bag I had just put them in 2 hours previously. Menehune I believe find salt tabs a little trippy and stole them from me. Then as soon as I was out on the highway they jumped right on my legs and caused me to have a ridiculously slow bike ride.
I took a picture of them and you have to look closely but right here is one on the front wheel.
Well that one might be a little hard to see because I think they do not cast shadows.Here's another.
Look right there on my shoulder. See it? Well the photo may be a bit grainy.[Bloggist edit 26 March 2007-as I mention above, Coach Eric has told me he thinks I should put this story on the blog. I had pretty much kept it to myself these past years, but it is time to deal with it, so here goes. I'm zoning out a little as people are wont to do at times over a long solitary ride. My ear worm, as I recall, is "Love Shack" by the B52s. This song is at the heart of another awesome story that takes place in the funnest place in all of New Orleans, the karaoke bar Cats Meow. This story deserves its own post which I will do someday when the spirit of John Kennedy Toole is with me.
But right now I am regrettably not there, I am on the Queen K not paying attention , probably because of trying to remember all of the lyrics to Love Shack. That water bottle that you can see in the above picture between the handlebars is a little loose, so I decide to pull over to fix it. Some of you will know that if you stop on a modern bike you must remove your feet from the pedals, which due to the miracle of modern design, can be difficult because they are firmly attached with these cleats, so you have to remember to do it as you slow down. Needless to say, around the time I got to the "Bang bang on the door baby" part of "Love Shack" I came to a halt with both feet firmly attached still and fell right over on my side into the lava, still attached like Arte Johnson on his Laugh-In trike. Luckily, that didn't hurt too much, nor did the derisive laughter from adjacent cyclists. I would have been chuckling too if not for the fact that the water bottle you see there has an open top and as the whole apparatus inverted, approximately 1/2 liter of full strength Gatorade Endurance Formula drenched me in a full upper body shower. You do not know sticky until this has happened to you. If you doubted the existence of menehune, I think you now see the folly of your scepticism.]
On a happier note, Judy and George, friends of mine from NYC, are there to greet me at Hapuna. What a shot in the arm. It can get lonely out there when you're bringing up the rear. Here is a photo about 90 miles into it at certainly the lowest psychological point for me.
What a relief it is to get back to town, even if your first sight is of runners only a few miles from finishing the entire race while you're still staring at a marathon.After causing my bike meltdown the menehune went out to feast on my salt pills I think.
The Final Crawl
Once released from the ball and chain that is your bike, you are free to look to the final third of the day. One's legs are by no means fresh after a ride that takes one that long, but the feeling of freedom is a relief. Plus if you're lucky you get to see your gorgeous chief crew member
<>.Word has it that a certain VIP who shall remain nameless and the rest of the race crew spent most of the day in air conditioned comfort at the VIP ballroom watching the internet feed and schmoozing with the Hoyts.
If the entire run was the same as the first ten miles, it would be pretty easy. There you are jogging down Alii Drive. Hello people in front of your condos. Hello local guys at the beach drinking beer out of the back of your surfwagons. Yes I see you up there on the balconies. You guys are awesome. Hang loose Lava Java spectators. Um, but sorry, now you have to trudge up Palani Road for your final 16 out in the dark (in my piteous case) along the deserted Queen K. You will have to earn that finishing medal buckaroo.
But first you have to stop for soup handed to you by the cutest preschool volunteer you will ever see. Don't like soup, sweetie, but I can not turn you down. ... ...Surely the turn to the Energy Lab is coming soon. Dang I totally crave pecan pie right now. You got any of that at this aid station? ...OK Energy Lab Road I can take you easy. Man this is some serious darkness out here. Hello Energy Lab turnaround timing mat people. You do not look like menehune. A stop at the run special needs reveals no salt pills. There must be menehune somewhere.
Then, step-scrape-step-scrape
Me: "Keep it up Sarah, you're awesome".
She: "Thanks anonymous two legged guy." (Or actually a grunt to that effect)
That Billy Crystal movie where his character has to follow the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan Show? That is probably the feeling you would get if you finished right before or right after Sarah. So it's best to keep jogging along. Lonely. You could totally lie down on the road and take a nap for a half hour or so. What are all those glowing things? Menehune? Oh no just some other late night runners sporting their glow sticks, jauntily thrown around their necks behind them or sometimes stuck under the jersey in front, emanting forth like an alien life force or neon namaste or something...."Hello Mile 21 aid station volunteers. I love volunteers. Volunteers are awesome."... Hello glow stick bike people on the other side of the highway. Hello Mr. McKeague. 80 years old and finishing the Ironman? It's an honor to share the course with you young man....
Well finally hello approach to town at mile 24. A pretty big hill. You're walking it. But perhaps you haven't met SERGIO? Sergio is an enthusiastic Portuguese short course stud who was spectating, waiting out on the run course when nobody else was, making it his goal to get the stragglers to run up that last hill.
"Come on we'll run together. It will be great!"
"No way, gotta walk"
"Nah come on it's easier together"
"Dude you you have way more energy than me but if you insist"
"Have a great race! I'll get someone else now"
"Obligada Sergio!"
Maybe that's a violation of the outside assistance rule. But when you meet people like Sergio you have hope for the future. Why didn't I take a picture of Sergio?
Now you start running down Palani Road and the return of other people to your day is fantastic. You know the payoff that is the turn to Alii is just a few downhill paces away. Somebody yells "Finish strong" Uh, no way. I am going to enjoy this and all of a sudden there you are on Alii. Hundreds of people there to greet you, turning into thousands toward the finish. The love of your life is there, even more radiant than the day you met her. Would you like to run down the chute with me Missy VIP Pants?? One condition-don't look down as you cross the line since we gotta get a good picture. Mike Reilly literally booms your name and Charity Challenge affiliation. Check out the jumbotron
<> It's there in that picture. Hello cheering people. Sorry it took me so long.Howdy finish line people. No medical tent necessary. Thanks for the shirt and the medal.
Together we breathe
At the award ceremony, the estimable Hawaiian MC Kahu Kealoha educated us as to the meaning of the word aloha. Together we breathe. Well in a literal sense there was alot of breathing together happening that day, menehune or no. If you are lucky enough to have a partner in life who breathes every day with you, you can relate to aloha. Volunteers and cheering spectators know about aloha. To the people who supported the Foundation for Springfield Public Schools with me, aloha to all. St. John's Clinic, my sponsor, especially Neil Frost and Walt Gaska-mahalo guys. Aloha to the crazies at the St. John's Surgery Center who provided me with all of those "useful" gifts. We breathe together y'all. For Doris, my dad and kids, who braved our absence together mahalo and aloha.
The Big Finish
A final wish to all aspiring Hawaii Ironman triathletes. If you're lucky enough to find yourself on Dig Me beach and hear that cannon set you to swimming, biking, and running one day, I hope you have friends and family as awesome (my word of the day if you have been paying attention)as mine to help you enjoy this day. And may you be left alone by the menehune. Because they're out there. My tale and pictures should leave you with no doubt. Aloha.
